The dreams started unexpectedly, the first one was simply a reunion with a friend. We were running along a road, along side of which was a little hill that went down into a grassy park. I turned and jumped down the hill, but as I did so a memory came to me of a similar event as though it were de ja vu where I was able to suspend myself in the air simply be clearing my mind and believing I could. In the dream I was able to float in the air, as though being supported by cables, yet I was able to move freely and basically fly. The feeling was strange at first, mostly because it felt so real, I could actually feel the weightlessness. Similar dreams followed for the last few years expanding on the concept and increasing the amount of time I was actually able to stay in the air and how easily I could set my mind and body to do it. The dreams don't happen at any specific time in my life, at least not that I have been able to identify atleast, but they have been quite numerous.
Last night I had one of these dreams, only this one was different. Every time I have these dreams it is as though I were really there, doing something normal, when all of a sudden I have a feeling of de ja vu, and I can see myself doing things I normally couldn't do. This time I saw something different. Along with the normal flight, I could see myself being able to pass through objects (mostly glass). I keep remembering a dream before this one in which I was able to pass my hand through a wine glass, but I can't remember most of it. Anyways, in this one I pressed my face and hand up against a nearby window and simply believed myself able to move through it. The glass began to bend where I was in contact with it, as though it were gelatenous, and after a moment I was able to pass through easily. Some weird things happened then where I was attacked by someone nearby, but I was able to simply avoid everything he tried. I don't think that the fight was anything important, just something to allow me to try out the new "skill" I had been taught.
I have a feeling These dreams do mean something and have some message to give me about my life, but aside from the normal "if you believe you can do it, you can" message these dreams do nothing but disappoint me, leaving me with a feeling of loss upon awakening.
Another thought that continually enters my mind is that in some past life I had another me to assist me through life. Even as I type this the idea comes to mind that it is not a past life where this happens but in my current life... I am my own guardian. I know that sounds a litte odd to say the least, but I truely am serious. When Sarah and I went to the Shamanic Training classes a while ago, we sent on a journey to find our spirit guides. My first few attempts were upsetting because every time I called to my guide, I was compelled to simply turn around and look back the way I had come. I tried over and over feeling that I must have been doing something wrong until I finally forced a different event to occur. On my final journey I had grown upset and convinced myself that I would see my guide and they would have an answer to my question. I finally did find someone who I decided was my guide; She was a young asian girl who was working in the fields with her entire community, by her feet was a toddler and in her arms was an infant (whom I didn't notice until she turned around) I asked her if she was my guide but she did not speak, she simply looked at me with familiar eyes and went back to her work. I asked her my question, and once again she did not speak, she simply turned around and walked away (this is when I saw the infant in her arms) and I thought she answered my question with this gesture... I realize now that I was simply seeing what I wanted to see.
Anyways, throughout my life I have seen myself from without, both in dreaming and in waking. Its strange how realizations come to me as I talk about them, but I'm becoming more and more sure that I share a consciousness with my guide because he and I are the same. I suppose I will have to think more on this in order to fully understand it, but just typing this has given me enough of an understanding to fill me with hope.
I have seen neither "hide nore hair" of my totems in the past few months. I have been so wrapped up in getting ready for the big move coming up (I'm moving soon if you don't read my normal journal), that I have had no time for my totems. I know they help me even if I don't see them, but I would like to see them again as I no longer know which are truely there and which I have forced into existance. I need someone to help me journey, I've discovered that I cannot do it on my own. There is a way for me to do it without having to bother anyone else, but it ties into my "another me.." cut and will require some testing. I will be trying to journey tonight and will hopefully have some happy results when I finish, but I will not complain even if nothing happens... I know the spirit world works its magic in many ways that I have to simply accept even if I don't understand them at the moment.
I know its been a while since I posted, but I've had some things on my mind lately and these are those things.